“Sovereignity” won, apparently. We did not.
Given that it was Kentucky Derby day today, I kind of wanted to give this one an equine theme, or at least do the recap in a sort of horse-race coverage mode. I honestly don’t think I have the energy, and I don’t think it would really be sustainable anyway, especially given that I don’t have any sort of competent command or understanding of horse-racing lingo and terminology. But what the hell, enough horsing around. I put it out there, I guess I better try and pony up, right?
So.
DING! and we’re off and running the snakes aren’t looking great out of the gate I mean what can you expect because it’s a horse race and they’re snakes and so they don’t have legs so really all things considered they’re not doing so badly two of them struck out against the Aaron Nola serpent in the top of the first but Marte got on by walking with one out which when you think about it is also weird because again snakes don’t have legs but nevertheless he walked but sadly he was left standing at first base because Pavin Smith and Josh Naylor couldn’t advance him at all and now Brandon Pfaadt is coming onto the mound and while he’s not exactly a racehorse and really more a thoroughbred and maybe a quarterhouse or a Clydesdale but without the shaggy mane and hoof mane things but maybe that’s what we need right because conditions at the track are muddy and there’s rain in the forecast and look he’s setting a solid pace for the first length at least by striking out the side which is what snakes do especially poisonous snakes they strike and he struck despite a one-out single to left by Trey Turner we come to the first turn with our quarterhorse and their gimpy thoroughbred neck and neck at zero apiece aaaand….
/deep breath
…we’re into the second furlong and it looks like our quarterhorse might have picked up a lick of speed coming out of the turn as Geno Suarez singles to center and Gabi Moreno singled through Gabi Lane into right and then the pace flags a little bit as a bit of mud flies up into Lourdes Gurriel, Jr.’s face and causes him to whiff but it looks like we’ll be fine and there’s some clear running room and the quarterhorse is beginning to stretch out and then Alek Thomas hits a bad patch and gets thrown from the saddle which is sadly what he usually does when there are actually runners on base ahead of him and rolls over into an easy double play that leaves him wallowing in a mud puddle as the Phillies which is an auspicious team name to have on Kentucky Derby day when you think about it and their jockey lets go the reins and gives their horses their head and they gallop forward with five hits in a row to start the second furlong including a Max Kepler homer and a JD Realmuto double and a couple of singles to hobble Pfaadt’s strong first-inning start and bring us to a 3-0 Philadelphia deficit coming into the second turn….
/deep breath
…and it appears that the Snakes have forgotten that they are in a horse race which is understandable as mentioned before because well they’re snakes and they don’t have legs and so it’s all like that and they spend the next couple of innings furlongs wandering off the track, grazing on some grass and hunting rodents in the infield (the center of the oval that is the racetrack, mind you, not the actual infield) and rolling around on the grass like horses seem to enjoy doing and generally trying to fit in and conceal the fact that no, they really don’t have legs but meanwhile the Phillies continue to prove that they are actually horses as well as baseball players because we’re deep into protracted metaphor territory here and either you’re still with me and you’ll just go with it or you already stopped reading and are rolling around on the grass in the infield and trying to fit in with the actual horses and if that’s the choice you made I wouldn’t blame you because it got worse before it got any better and it didn’t even get much better as the Phillies scored three on the third furlong straightaway thanks to a hit batsman, a single, and a Realmuto dinger that brought the score to 6-0 Philadelphia and then another run in the fourth furlong on a Trea Turner double and eventually a Geno Suarez throwing error that allowed him to score to bring things to 7-0 Philadelphia and…
/deep breath
….and meanwhile their allegedly gimpy thoroughbred Aaron Nola proved to be less gimpy than expected as he wound up throwing 109 pitches and completing six lengths with nary a stumble, but of course there were no snakes chasing him because they were continuing to muck about on the infield and slither into the mud puddles on the track and I don’t know what they hell they were doing besides not doing anything on offense aside from another Suarez single in the fourth and an Alek Thomas double with nobody on base ahead of him which is when he does his best work and because this is metaphorical horse racing we were allowed to swap out our horse which we did after 4 2⁄3 furlongs and saw one and a third scoreless from young colt Jose Castillo who was the villain in last night’s game and that brought us to the top of the seventh when a couple of snakes actually seemed to remember that there was still a baseball game horse race DERBY, goddamnit! going on, and….
/deep breath
….gathered themselves to slither back onto the track and however fruitlessly resume the pursuit with Gabi Moreno leading things off with a single to center which was followed almost immediately by Gurriel launching a dinger over the left field wall…to narrow the contest to 7-2 Philadelphia
but then we came up on the final stretch and that was that….
/deep breath
….except that we’d entirely given up on horses, it seemed, and out came our imported and released and resigned Crime Dog, Scott McGough, to try to get us to the finish line, which rather remarkably he did without allowing any further damage, but then so did the back end of the Phillies bullpen, who shut us down the rest of the way, but I dunno, maybe it’s not so bad to finish a horse race by losing 7-2 when you have no legs because you’re snakes and so you really have no business showing up for a horse race anyway, but no, it’s really not okay, and it kinda sucked, and there you are, except….
/deep breath
Win Probability Added, courtesy of FanGraphs
Sovereignity (1st of 19 in the field): No one. There were literally no Diamondbacks who contributed positively to WPA beyond Moreno’s +5.4%, which most games wouldn’t even get a mention. So.
Chunk of Gold (19th of 19 in the field): Brandon Pfaadt (42⁄3 IP, 9 H, 7 R, 6 ER, 1 BB, 6 K, 2 HR, -31.8% WPA)
This one went south pretty early and never came back, but nevertheless it was a very congenial and well-attended Gameday Thread, with 282 comments at time of writing (though, by the time of posting, we could conceivably be up to 300, perhaps due to someone or other dropping in some random horse emojis and sound effects). By popular demand and also proper sentiment expressed, CotG goes to Justin for this observation as we were cantering down the stretch to the sad, muddy finish line:
Anyhow, maybe join us tomorrow morning as, once again, we see if we can bring a weekend series to a close and avoid a sweep. Allegedly Ranger Suarez, a stellar lefty, is making his first start after returning from the IL for Philadelphia; for us it will be our own possibly holographic lefty Eduardo Rodriguez. It’s not for the faint of heart, but we hope to see you anyway. First pitch is scheduled for 11:05 am AZ time, so make sure you have your coffee, donuts, and/or mimosas.
As always, thanks for reading. As always, go Diamondbacks!